Come backstage with Ron Hitler -
I invite you, Aussie youth,
To see your heroes in the flesh,
And learn the horrid truth;
Yes, backstage here at Homebake
The facade is ripped away
And the cream of Aussie rock n roll
Is shown in light of day.
I went over to Grinspoon,
Expecting sex and drugs;
Instead they were drinking herbal tea -
There was a dealer selling mugs.
"Where's the hard stuff?" I asked 'em;
"Not here," they said, "we're clean:
We know too many rock stars
Addicted to caffeine."
And yes, I looked around me
At Oz rock's rebellious face -
There were all the Whitlams
Washing their own plates;
Custard said they stay up all night -
When they're waitin' round for Santa;
I had a sesh with Spiderbait,
Drinking their Mylanta;
Ammonia cleaned the showers;
All you could hear were "Well done's"!
The Mavis's put rubbish in bins
Instead of on their albums.
"Don't join a rock band," parents say;
And of that, I affirm the rightness -
Backstage I saw young lives destroyed
By kindness and politeness.
To meet a rock star is to be
Certain of disappointment;
The Living End ain't so sexy
Applying their hemorrhoid ointment.
Frenzal Rhomb shine their own shoes;
Screamfeeder make their beds;
Nancy Vandal is a nice young girl;
Ratcat, in fact, are dead.
Jebediah likely to trash their rooms?
Ned Flanders is more liable:
What do you expect from a band
Who took their name from the Bible?
Is there no one famous at all, I thought,
For whom nastiness isn't just a stunt?
And then I met Stan Zammanick,
And, by Christ, he really is an awful cunt.
I stood up in that backstage tent
And I screeched at them with rage,
"Rock bands of Australia,
Why act your parents' age?
What happened to rebellion,
Getting depressed, getting busted?
You're role models for Aussie youth:
Why, they'll grow up well adjusted."
And they turned as one to look at me,
And they spoke out loud and true -
Like Rob Sitch on The Panel,
They screamed: "Who the fuck are you?"
And so, I warn you Aussie youth,
Rock and roll is full of lies;
Don't be like your rock heroes,
Or you'll have normal happy lives.
