Well, I was born with nothing
It could not have been worse
‘Cause I was thrown into a dumpster
When my mother gave birth
I was raised by rats
Which could be worse I suppose
Except they gnawed off all my toes!
Then all the kids in the neighborhood
When they’d walk by
They would laugh at me
And then they’d pee in my eyes
Now, to this day I can barely see
Oh, what a tragedy!
My life’s a story of redemption
My tragic tale defies convention
I have a story like no other
So maybe hit that golden buzzer
Later, my dog got cancer and my cat got AIDS
And then my uncles and my aunts
All died from the plague
And then my grandpa fell down
And he broke his leg
Then he was eaten by a bear!
Then, I was diagnosed with every single std
And then my wife slept with my dad
Then divorced me
Then she took away the kids
Then I lived in an rv
With a meth dealer named steve
But then steve stabbed me in the back!
And then he stabbed me in the eye!
And then he stabbed me in the knee!
And then he stabbed me in the thigh!
And then he threw me in a river
And left me to die
And then he peed right in my mouth!
My tragic tale is so inspiring
And now I see that you’re all crying
I tugged your heartstrings
That’s my purpose
Now where’s my millions?
I deserve it
If you don’t decide to put me through
All of America will hate you
But if you keep me, then your ratings
Will go through the roof!
We all know it’s the truth
Because America loves to see a story like mine
’Cause it reminds of them compared to me
They’re doing just fine
I give that warm and fuzzy feeling
All Americans need
Use my suffering and succeed!
