Hi, uh, I'm Neil
I wouldn't be here if someone else hadn't passed on hosting, so special thanks to Shia LaBeouf for this opportunity.
I can break your heart with a work of art
and a song that's quiet and small
but we're back where we began it all
Radio City Music Hall
So tonight we might go bigger
That's right it's bigger
It's Broadway's greatest night and we're raring to go
Let's make it bigger, tonight it's bigger
Who will take home a Tony statue we don't know
I guarantee a truly legendary show
The season's new recruits includes the cast of Kinky Boots
You know they're beautiful and buff as Navy Seals
And you can bounce a quarter off the ass of Billy Porter
Lord, he does 8 shows a week in eight inch heels
Hats off to Berry Gordy, he runs Motown like a boss
He dominates Top 40 and banged Diana Ross
He wrote his own libretto, which is really kind of ballin'
He took every Motown classic and he said 'I'll put em all in.'
Make it bigger, that's right it's bigger
I just learned this dance like half an hour ago
We're going bigger, like so much bigger
You ever seen so many divas in a row? (Hell no)
Well stick with me cause your MC's a seasoned pro (go Neil Go!)
It's Pippin! Never slippin, always flippin' from their corner of the sky
But the sky is overcrowded with this oh so highly touted
Cast of singing circus people flying by
The cast of Bring It On had count em thirty-two debuts
Hey, kids, welcome to Broadway, forget your Union dues
In tandem like we planned em, forgive me if it's random
But Mike Tyson had a one man show, let's give the man a hand
And make things bigger (Tyson: It's bigger!) That's right it's bigger
I'm here with Iron Mike, he's a heavyweight, yo
We're going bigger, the night is bigger
We've got cheerleaders, contortionists and so
Don't change the channel to our show (go, Neil, Go!)
The magical Matilda stole the show and nearly killed us
So they got a special Tony of their own
This strikes at the achilles of the jaded former Billys
They get Tony's but they're fired when the're grown
Now here's the kids from Christmas Story, Annie, and her orphans.
So many child actors high on Red Bull and endorphins.
They barely come up to your knees, but God they're singing like MVPs
And they're the reason this whole season seems to look like Chuck E. Cheese
And geez it's bigger, that's right it's bigger
Is there a Tony day care where all of you go?
You're getting bigger, the night is bigger.
Do your parents set aside your Broadway dough? (heck, No)
When I played Doogie, never mind on with the show (go, Neil, Go!)
Oh, Broadway's where famous people go
But being famous doesn't mean that you will get a good review
So, Alec write Ben Brantley if you want
That's entertaining too
We've got magic to do
Bigger, that's right it's bigger
I'm walking down the aisle with some Newsies in tow
You know it's bigger, so much bigger
if there's a Newsie you prefer just let me know
You'll get a Newsie in your gift bag when you go
Spoken:
That's true, there's like 150 of those punks
Oh wait, check this out
Can I have my Tom Hooper Les Mis close-up, please?
See, on Broadway we don't need extreme close-ups to prove we're singing live
We sing live eight shows a week, check it!
Rapped:
At the end of the day we are gathered together to honor the best and the brightest
And the tomorrow the fashion police will report on your dress and who wore it the tightest
If you win have the time of your life tell your manager, Dad, and your Mom thanks
Hi to you kids and your husband or wife, maybe just for the hell of it, Tom Hanks
Nothing is bigger and better than seeing a veteran get an ovation.
Or seeing a brilliant beginner freak out when a win on their first nomination.
There's a kid in the middle of nowhere who's sitting and living for Tony performances
Singing and flipping along with the Pippins and Wiggits and Kinkys, Matildas and Mormons-es.
So we might reassure that kid
And do something to spur that kid
Cause I promise you all of us up here tonight
We were that kid and now:
We're bigger, tonight it's bigger
So let's create the biggest spectacle we know
Come see the super sexy Cinderellas, sisters celebrating
Ladies, grab a fellow, the tempo is accelerating
Spidey, Pippin, Motown bands, and Kinky Rock Of Ages
Chicago, Bring It On, and Christmas Story sharing stages
Mamma Mia, Lion King, the Jersey Boys are tappin'
Kathy Lee's a Broadway lyricist, so anything can happen
Bigger! New York is Bigger
So welcome to our bigger, better, best of Broadway Tony show
