I’ll tell you of my granny dear, all warm and sweet and fair With sparkling eyes like diamonds, and silv’ry locks of hair But underneath her sweetness, she hid a vixen’s heart And so it was, from time to time, her wisdom she’d impart When I was but a little girl, my granny came to me She taught me ‘bout the spot between my stomach and my knee She told me where to touch and said to practice every night 'Cause no man on earth would ever take the time to do it right! Our granny was so nice, she knew just what to do She gave us good advice ‘bout the man in her canoe By the time that I was eight I knew just how to masturbate She’s our granny, we’ll always love her so Now cleanin’ was a chore that seemed to always take all day I rushed to finish up the job and rub the dust away While wiping down some bottles, my granny gave a sigh Said: If you stroke your man like that, you’ll get it in your eye Our granny was so nice, knew how to do the job She gave us good advice, loved to polish up that knob She said: Lass, just scrub it in, because it’s lovely for your skin She’s our granny, and we’ll always love her so To say I was a chatterbox would only be too kind The talkin’ caused the boys to run and leave me far behind But granny told me, “dearest girl, men find you such a bore 'Cause talkin’ isn’t what you should be usin’ your mouth for Our granny was so nice, that woman was a tease She gave us good advice, bent down right down on her knees My reputation’s growin’ from the men that I’ve been blowin' She’s our granny, and we’ll always love her so The evenin’ of my wedding day, I ran up with surprise When my husband dropped his trousers and showed his ample size I went and told my granny dear just why I had to run Get out’ the way, my dear, she said: I’ll show ya how it’s done Our granny is so nice, she’s the woman we adore She gave us good advice, but my God, she’s such a whore! Her husbands often left ‘cause granny screwed ‘em half to death But she’s our granny, and we’ll always love her so And then there came the day when granny fell so deathly ill She pulled us very close, her final wisdom to instill And with what was her final breath, she whispered with a groan To keep your sweet and true, give him another hole to bone (Spoken) that costs extra (Spoken) but not with me! Our granny was so nice, she’d teach old dogs new tricks She gave us good advice, such as where to hide their sticks Our granny never ‘waried about whether folks got married She’s our granny, and we’ll always love her so Yes, she’s our granny, and we’ll always love her so