I said a bad word when I was a kid Mamma said that I'd be sorry for the sin that I did My daddy whooped me and the preacher said: Shame! And I tried like hell to change But I cuss, I smoke, I laugh at dirty jokes The minor vices, man, I know 'em well I've closed down bars, I've lusted in my heart My ex's think I ought to burn in hell But the devil, he won't notice when I die And don't you figure he's got bigger fish to fry? Politicians taking pork barrel bribes Crooked CEO's are getting off with no time Christmas Eve burglers stealing good children's toys (can't say Christmas) Holiday burglers stealing good children's toys But I cuss, I smoke, I laugh at dirty jokes The minor vices, man, I know 'em well I've closed down bars, I've lusted in my heart (yeah, many ones) My ex's think I ought to burn in hell But the devil won't notice when I die Yeah, don't you figure he's got bigger fish to fry? Yeah, there's gonna be a bonfire burning An everlasting barbecue But with all the bad stuff going on There ain't gonna be room for me and you 'Cause we cuss, we smoke, we laugh at Tater's jokes (Tell one Jim, you know you're old when your wife says: Honey) (Let's run upstairs and make love) (And your answer is: I cannot do both) The minor vices, man, we know 'em well We've closed down bars, we've lusted in our hearts Our ex's think we ought to burn in hell But the devil, he won't notice when we die Hey, don't you figure he's got bigger fish to fry? Yeah, don't you figure he's got bigger fish to fry? (Pass the tartar sauce) When we all get to heaven What a day of rejoicing it will be!