Ray's guitar broke
No, we won't play Rawhide, won't play anything
We'll play the theme from the Dinah Shore show
Who wants to be Dinah Shore?
Who's alter-ego is Dinah Shore?
Oh, his fists didn't go up so quickly this time
Yawn, yawn, yawn
Put those headphones on, it's be-bop time
I want to tell you a story
About the last time I was in Portland
The night before we played at the Long Goodbye
I was walking on the street about 10:30 at night
A lot of people go to bed around here at 10:30 at night
And well, I was walking along
When suddenly these jocks in this bright blue pickup drove up
It had KC lights, tractor tires, everything but the CB
It was a life-size Hot Wheels car for some dumb rich kid, right
Well, they drove up to me
And they yelled what dumb rich kids usually yell
"Hey, faggot" and showered me with some water
So, I stood there thinking
What a bunch of fuckheads and picked up a rock
Now, I waited, walked down about a block
To where the Kentucky Fried Chicken is, on Burnside
And sure enough they drove around again
They said, "Hey, faggot, where's the nearest McDonald's?"
I said, "I don't know" and they squirted me again
So I threw the rock
And put a nice-size dent in their giant Hot Wheels car
They screached to a halt in the parking lot of some department store
Who's name I don't remember, it's up the street from Fred Meyer
And they got out their clubs and they ran after me
Yelling, "We're gonna kill you, you God damn faggot"
"We're gonna kill you, you motherfucker"
So I got in a phonebooth by the Kentucky Fried Chicken on Burnside
Held my legs straight out like this
So they couldn't open the door to the phonebooth
So they began charging the phonebooth
Beating on it with their club
Yelling, "We're gonna kill you, you motherfucker"
"We're gonna kill you, you goddamn faggot"
I just looked at them
So, there was a crowd gathering by this time
And these kids were standing nearby and they said
"Oh, look at him, he's insane"
I thought, ah-hah, here's my way out
I yelled at them, "Take me to a mental hospital right away"
"I wanna be be put away"
"Please put me away, c'mon, call the cops and put me away"
"Please put me away now"
They said, "Alright, faggot, we're calling the police"
So they called the police
The cop comes out and I go
Ah, my savior, I'm away from these jocks
He opens up the door, "Get out of there, you"
Throws me up against the car, frisks me, shoves me in the back
Then he goes over to the jocks
"Now what happened here?"
"It looks like we're going have to take him to jail"
"But we got to have the full story first"
So the jocks, who had an ace in the hole, ace in the hole
Take down on the bass, a little bit down on the bass, yeah
Ace in the hole, and they go
"Well, goddammit, the motherfucker put a dent in my truck"
"A five thousand dollars truck, right"
"So I got my club, I went out and I wanted to kill him"
"I want to kill him, let me kill him, goddammit, let me kill him"
So the cop made them go home
And he drove me home
And he confiscated their club and my rock as further evidence
And I thought, so this is Oregon, huh?
Tolerent Oregon?
Ray, are you done with your guitar yet?
He isn't done yet
So what else do you want to hear, I'm out of stories
That's a true story, too, just ask Bruce Loose
