Tom: G G C So you think you're gaein' tae the north to spend a holiday, D cause you're vaguely Scottish on your mither's side, G C and you've heard of ancient glories, both renowned in song and story, G D G kilts and haggis, Andy Stewart and the Clyde. [Verse] G C Ye go up by Crianlarich, it's the gateway to the north, D and the scenery will please your eyes, I'm sure. G C Ye take oot your picnic basket 'cause the car has blown a gasket G D G in the middle o' a place called Rannoch Moor. G C G D G [Verse] G C So you telephone the garage listed in the tourist guide, D that was published for you by the R.A.C., G C but by design, or by intention, or, they just forget to mention G D G that the garage closes doon for half past three. [Verse] G C So you're towed behind this tractor tae a corrugated shed D that's surrounded by farm implements and carts, G C and you scratch your head and wonder why you ever bought a Honda, G D G 'cause they'll have to send to Tokyo for the parts. G C G D G [Verse] G C So you board the train for Oban and you get the boat to Mull D feeling like you've had a night upon the tiles, G C ye pay twenty pence for coffee with a tang o' diesel oil, G D G your experience in the swindle o' the isles. [Verse] G C But your pulse begins to quicken at the thought of berry-pickin', D so you take a trip to 'Gowrie for a spell, G C wi' some wellies o' your mothers that she bought in Ali Brothers, G D G and a Gideon bible pinched frae yer hotel. G C G D G [Verse] G C So you're standing picking rasps being stung to death by wasps, D the midges and the cleggs are making free, G C and the bairns have ate the berries and contracted dysentery, G D G 'cause last week they sprayed the crop with DDT. [Verse] G C So you're headin' back to Birmingham more waterlogged than tanned, D but no signs of habitation can you see, G C when you thought you were in Berwick you were actually in Lerwick, G D G 'Cause some vandal changed the signpost in Dundee