You call yourself a man
I can legpress like 500lbs with only one hand
I always flex in front of all my friends
I'm gonna put my legs behind my head
And suck my own dick because it's masculine
Craft beer's for pussies
I only drink busch lite
And if you talk shit on kid rock
I'll end your fucking life
I park in the handicap spot
Because I don't give a fuck
I used to drive a pickup
But now I drive a monster truck
Holy shit, God damn
Who needs a gym
When I can work out in my muscle car
I'll pick a fight with anyone
Inside my favorite sports bar
I have tattoos of barbed wire and broken glass
My dad's a fucking cop
And I bet he could kick your dad's fucking ass
People wonder why
I'm always angry all the time
But if you mention it I'll get defensive
At the drop of a dime
I swear to God I've never cried
A single time in my life
No, I'm totally serious
I'm the manliest type of guy
I only enjoy eating phallic shaped foods
Bananas, hot dogs, popsicles and sausages too
I do this because it's manly, not because it's insane
I don't have time for weaklings
Especially if I'm watching the game
I cut the sleeves of all the shirts I buy
It helps me show off my muscles to other guys
I like to think that they see me and think I'm tough
But honestly, I weep at night because I'm not that buff
I'll never understand why
Women always put me in the friendzone
I send them unsolicited dick picks from my phone
The truth is I think there's something wrong with me
Maybe it's my anger issues or that I have a tiny pee
