You got drunk at my birthday party
And passed out in the cake
But not before you asked my boss' wife
If her boobs were fake
We spent a week in the Poconos
You let my car roll off the pier
Merry Christmas, asshole
You've ruined another year
You threw away my uncle's mint condition baseball cards
When your brother's old RV broke down
You let him park it in our yard
At a picnic you stuffed dollar bills
Into my great aunt's brazier
Merry Christmas, asshole
You've ruined another year
Another year is gone, gone
Say goodbye to all the trouble we had
But I wonder what you'll do
To make sure next year's just as bad
You ordered fifty pairs of boots
And you used my bank account
You took your bonus to the dog races
And lost the entire amount
Then you resigned so you could work
Full time on your animal balloon career
Merry Christmas, asshole
You've ruined another year
You got a tattoo of my name
You didn't spell it right
I had to bail you out of jail on our anniversary night
Then we got kicked out of the restaurant
Because you broke their chandelier
Merry Christmas, asshole
You've ruined another year
